Dear ELIB-

Dear Ex Live-In Boyfriend-

It's been awhile since since we broke up (and by 'we broke up', I mean 'I kicked your ass to the curb like last week's trash'), and I have to say I was always uneasy about the way I went about it. Kicking your ass to the curb, I mean.

You demanded to know why I ended our relationship, what you did wrong, blah-blah-blah, and I quite unfairly told you some pretty bald-faced lies. Now, these lies were told in the spirit of sparing your feelings, but the more I think about it, the more I realize I deprived myself of the opportunity to tell you just what a special kind of loser you really are! I know this may shock you, as it flies directly into the face of what I've previously led you to believe, and I really hope you can find it in yourself to forgive me my dishonesty, but I'm not sure if I could ever forgive myself if I allowed you to proceed into your next relationship with the idea that "It wasn't you, it was me", when, truth be told, it really was you. Allow me to elaborate on a few of those finer points:

1. For the love of Balls, man, sever the fucking umbilical! There's no way you should be living with one foot in mom's vagina at your age. Seriously! Commuting forty five minutes to the south side just so we could live ten minutes from Mummy?! That was just unfuckingreasonable. And do you think I enjoyed waiting for you in her driveway for hours on end because she wouldn't let me in her house?! You must have since you made me do it ALL THE GODDAMN TIME!

2. Even your douche nozzle friends considered me saintly for waking up two hours early to drive your incompetent ass to work, and then driving your incompetent ass home after having driven for eight hours at MY job. Come on! Learn to drive! Twenty nine year old suburbanites should possess this skill from, what, fifteen? Sixteen? You were twentyfuckingnine! Twenty. Fucking. Nine.

3. I can totally understand your expecting me to leave from school and either pick you up something to eat on the way home or cook for you upon my return. I mean, I would have hated for your internet gaming time to be interrupted by something as mundane as feeding yourself! But I have to say, the best part of all was listening to you whine about how you didn't like what I made, or my choice in take-out. I should've come home and picked you up and THEN gone and gotten take-out, seeing as how I just loved chauffeuring you around in my limited spare time.

3. "Motion of the ocean"? It might be a myth, but I can't be sure, seeing as how you seemed to have been modeling your ocean after the Dead Sea. At any rate, size might've somewhat made up for that, but you struck out there too.

4. Exactly how DID you expect me to take the news that your idea of being "in school" meant that you attended one class, then spent the rest of the day playing Descent online at the campus computer center, anyway?! Because I thought I handled that little gem like a fucking champ.

5. Toothbrushes- NOT a new invention! Of course if they were, you'd have been all over that shit since you just HAD to spend all our money on the latest gadgets and game systems.

I could go on, but I think I'm painting a fairly clear picture here, and surely even someone of your stunning lack of intellect can see that dropping you like the bad habit you were was my only option. Sure, I wasn't the easiest person to live with, but in my defense, this was the natural reaction of a person who didn't want to have kids to having a twenty nine year old child foisted on her. In short, grow the fuck up.


Never Again,

Christie.

p.s Please tell your mother than in order to qualify as a gold digger, I would have had to pursue someone who either had lots of money (which you didn't), or some future prospects of making lots of money (again, not you). She seems somewhat unclear on this simple concept.


This is my entry for Mrs. C's blogging challenge, topic #5: Drop it like a bad habit.