Part Four

I contemplated the frailty of both life and happiness as i made my way back out into the courtyard. I'd had one evening of real life with my family and friends before it was snatched away from me by ugly people with uglier feelings. Apparently the world wasn't big enough for my murderers and another gay man. I absently reached back to feel my head, nominally surprised when i found my skull intact. Moments ago, it was not.

My contemplation was interrupted by quiet weeping near by. I turned my head, astonished at the sound of real emotion after all the numbness. As i made my way toward the source, i saw a young woman clutching a boy who was taller than her. He held her too, with that familiar look of detached pain on his face. I knew this woman, and i approached her, almost embarrassed to interrupt her grief, but unable to stay away. I looked around, and everyone was staring at the woman and the boy with undisguised envy.

"Don't be sad, you have your son with you," i told her gently, putting a comforting hand on her shoulder. After saying this, i realized that could be why she was so sad. She looked up at me, rubbing at her eyes and nodded at me.
"I know. I love my son, but i miss my daughters terribly," she said.
"You don't want them here. You can always see them again the next time?"
She smiled sadly, and she hugged me. "We aren't going to have a next time, we're Going On."

I wanted to ask what she meant by that, but we received the call, and made our way to the door once again. I lost her in the crowd and didn't see her again until we were on the conveyor. Before i jumped, i saw that she was crouching down in her son's arms, all traces of sorrow wiped from her face as though it were never there. She looked peaceful, if not happy, and then I saw what she meant. She was not going to jump. I noticed this time around that i was the only jumper left, and i felt like i was missing something. I had no time to contemplate it. I turned and made my leap. I landed on my conveyor as a small movement caught my eye. The small, well-dressed woman in the hardhat was looking at me thoughtfully, shaking her head. I had no time to contemplate that either as my conveyor dipped and then plunged straight down.

It was a long ride, and i noticed more and more neatly dressed people in yellow hard hats working along the way. It occurred to me all of a sudden that this Samsara was man-made and man-sustained. How?! Why?! The uncomfortable questions i'd been avoiding thinking about all came crashing down about me, and i staggered under their weight. How could this have escaped my notice? I had no time to contemplate that either. I wished i could jump off of the belt, and then i was plunged into my new life.

The sun was just cresting the horizon, and i stretched my arms and yawned, enjoying the feeling of the sun on my body. I couldn't see or move, but i was undisturbed by this as i exhaled an enchanting scent that was also a call. I felt the pressure of the bee landing on my open face and gathering pollen off of me, and the joy of fulfilling my purpose flooded me as i basked in the warmth of the sun. The feeling of unity with my surroundings inundated me, and i felt myself swelling into ripeness. I felt unspeakably beautiful, though i'd never seen myself, nor had any desire to.