Sunday, August 2, 2009

My Zombie Apocalypse Survival Plan

1) Get myself to a Walmart and fortify it. (Why Walmart? Because Walmart has everything, including food, camping materials, guns, ammo, any other survival tool i'll need, plus entertainment for those inevitable lulls in action.) Preferably one with an attached gas station, like the one in Merrillville.

2) Bring a few friends and people i dislike who are slow. The slow jerks will distract the zombie masses while my friends and i make our getaway. Friends are key to avoiding LMoE Syndrome.

3) Practise, practise, practise before the attack! Ammo doesn't last forever, and each head shot scored is bullet saved!

4) Do not plan for rescue. If I can't count on my government to rescue its citizens from fuck tons of toxic water in one relatively small city after a storm, I can't trust them to bail me out out from under mountains of the living dead.

5) Do not plan for escape. Escape to WHERE, for fuck's sake?! Sure that van in the parking lot's big enough for all five of us, but where would we go that's safer than a Walmart? Nope, this will be Christie World for the forseeable future.

6) For the love of God, man, don't grant access to stragglers who've come upon my safe haven! Chances are, they've been bitten and they're hiding it from me! Besides, they're probably douchebags who'll think that once they're inside, they should have a say on how shit's run. This is MY house, fool.

7) If a member of my party is dumb enough to try to leave the safety of my Walmart, i will not grant them re-entry, as they will likely get bitten, and try to hide it from me. I won't consign the rest of my party to a future of zombie buffethood, after working so hard to avoid it in the first place.

8) Start stockpiling now. Notify those you plan to bring with you now. Get organized now.

3 comments:

Stephanie Faris said...

I like your survival plan. But what if all the Wal-Mart employees are zombies?

Unknown said...

Stephanie is definately a critical thinker! LOL, this is great!

Corpus Christie said...

Steph: Oh, i'm not goin in there naked. . . Walmart employees are practically already zombies, so i have no doubt that they won't survive the ZA. No, they'll be the first to eat lead :D Which is a good thing, because hopefully they won't have decomposed much, thus not stinking up my future home.

Kristy: She really thinks of everything, doesn't she? xD