And so it's happened pretty much the way i thought it would. She made her demands, we made our feeble protests, and in the end, she got her way. I'm still angry that we didn't pursue the legal recourse that was available to us, but i understand really that this is the best way for everyone. Once i'm not angry about it anymore it will be easier to accept, but i'm still very, very bitter about it right now. I guess i could make this a private entry and stop being oblique about everything.
Here's what happened: We're taking vacation in a week to go see my parents in New Mexico. We were going to take Ryan with us and leave Robbie at home, since he's never been able to stay over without having to go home to his mom. Besides, Robbie has only seen us a handful of times for a couple of hours at a time since Christmas, usually to come over and ask for something. He's a very materialistic child, and when he can't get what he wants from us, he by and large has no use for us. Naturally we didn't want to take him with us. Well, this is unacceptable to Kristi because if we do that, we're taking away her free babysitting and she'd actually have to spend the money she receives for babysitting ON babysitting ("Oh, no! How completely unfair!", i'm sure you're thinking to yourself). So she tells us if we don't take Robbie, we can't take Ryan. We were like Whatever, we're not taking him. So she threatens to take both kids out of town so that we can't take either one if we refuse to take both, and here's where the struggle begins.
The basic problem (for me) is this: She's always made these sort of demands for her convenience, and just with held the kids from us when we refused to accomodate her. Now that we have a court order protecting our rights with the kids, i thought the days of these demands were over, but apparently i was wrong. The solution I wanted to see: Call the police and have them put out an amber alert (after all, let's call this what it really is- She's threatening us with kidnapping). I'd have love to have seen her go to jail for this just so she can see that she can't get away with this shit just because she thinks she's "In the right". I really wanted her to know that No, she is most certainly NOT in the right, that kidnapping is NEVER right. I also think Robbie needs to know that no means no, and we'd already told him we weren't taking him.
The fallout of this would be bad for the children though. They wouldn't benefit at all from seeing their mother go to jail. This would have also bred serious resentment issues from Robbie towards us in several ways. One, for sending his mom to jail; two for objecting so strongly to having him around us; and three of course, for not giving him his way. I can personally live with being resented for the first and last reason, but i really don't want him feeling like we think having him with us is the worst thing that could happen. It really isn't his fault that he's been spoiled so badly, and on the positive side, i think time with us away from an atmosphere where he gets whatever he wants will really benefit him. Hell, maybe he'll come and enjoy himself and realize that with us he gets a lot more freedoms than with her and he'll actually LIKE being with us. Stranger things have happened.
So even though we made the decision to take him with us in spite of everything that could go wrong, i still feel like the decision was already made for us and we're being forced to do this. I really dislike being forced to do ANYTHING i don't want to do, and this is very hard for me to swallow. Not misdirecting my resentment towards her at Robbie is going to be a major challenge for me to overcome, and knowing this makes me feel like i am a bad person for not being able to intellectually acknowledge it isn't his fault and treat him accordingly without forcing myself to moderate my behaviour.
Here are my fears: I'm afraid she'll think that all she has to do is make her threats and we'll just roll over and give her what she wants. I'm afraid she'll be right about this, since that's the way it's worked out for the last four years in spite of the assurances i've been given to the contrary. After all, i've been given these assurances before and they haven't worked out for whatever reason. I'm afraid that Robbie will see that he's gotten HIS way once again and feel he can act however he wants and get away with it. I know Jim won't allow that, but i don't want to see him punished, nor do i want to have to tolerate his inevitable fits since he's completely unaccustomed to being told no. I'm afraid he's going to ruin the next two weeks. I'm afraid i won't be able to not resent him every time he opens his mouth and compares us to his mother (his mother, of course, being the superior example we're supposed to somehow naturally want to live up to).
We aren't getting the shaft completely. This is Jim's counterdemand to her: If we take him on vacation, then we get our visitation time with him whenever it comes up. No more Robbie choosing to be with his grandparents or his mother over being with us. No more choosing to come over only if we're going to do something that interests him. No more only coming over when he wants to ask us for something (and then leaving when he is told no). We waited for him to decide he wanted to be with us, and it apparently wasn't the right thing to do since that choice never materialized. When it's his time to be here, he'll be here whether he wants it or not. My hope is he'll learn the lesson Be Careful What You Ask For, You May Just Get It. I am also hoping that he'll learn he won't always get what he wants. I'm hoping he'll learn to treat Ryan respectfully for a change (or at least that he can't walk all over him and expect applause for it the way he does when he is with Kristi's family). I'm hoping his exposure to us will help him not be so spoiled. I'm kind of thinking that she's going along with this demand until after vacation, and then once we're back she'll make herself and Robbie unavailable to us when we're supposed to have him. Jim says he'll call the police if that happens. He says that missing a weekend with the kids is better than missing our whole first family vacation together, and i agree with him.
I'm also grateful on some level for the opportunity to FINALLY develop a relationship with Robbie. I got to know Ryan over a year ago, and i cherish the relationship i have with him and the dynamic of the family relationship between him and me and Jim. He's the kind of kid that makes me feel like maybe motherhood wouldn't have been so bad...i mean, really a stellar person. I'm hoping that my relationship with Robbie will be equally positive, though i know it won't be the same and that i'll have to continuously work at it. Robbie isn't like us, he won't click as naturally with us as Ryan did, but i want to have that relationship.
I'm praying for the strength to accept this thing that i can't change and to become a better person through this trial. To those couple of you who can read this and decided to, i'm sorry it was so long, but it was mostly written to organize my thoughts and feelings about this problem (catharsis, come to me!).
It will be interesting to see what happens.
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