Wounds Don't Heal

...If you don't quit picking at the scab. Or, so i keep telling myself.

A year or so ago, i found out my mother in law has been leaking details about my and Jim's personal lives to Jim's exwife (who shall from here on out be referred to as the WBC- whorebitchcunt). I can't for the life of me figure out why she'd do a thing like that. When they were still married, the WBC treated my mominlaw like shit. They never had a very good relationship, in spite of the fact that mominlaw's a really nice lady. Anyway, since they've been split, the WBC's still not been very nice to her, except when she wants something (typical of her).

So last year, mominlaw did something i'd expressly asked her never to do: try to push her religious beliefs on me. Now, mominlaw and i have had this discussion before, and i've told her about the treatment i've suffered at the hands of my more "faithful" family members. I told her i love and accept her for who she is, and that i'd appreciate if she'd return the favour. She always had, and i was so relieved and so thankful. Then, out of the blue, she wrote my husband a letter encouraging him to try and bring me into the fold. I guess at some point in his youth, he was also a Christian and is no longer practicing (i'm guessing mominlaw is unaware of his straying from the ole flock), so she thought he'd be the perfect tool.

Needless to say, i was both livid and hurt at the same time. Being the sort of person to just blow up and say anything that comes across my little mind, regardless of how harmful it will be to the future of my relationship with the person i'm blowing up at, i decided it'd be best if i didn't talk with her until i'd calmed down. So i waited, and a few months went by, but still i felt horribly betrayed. Meanwhile, she tried to contact me repeatedly, and i wouldn't answer. Jim tried to caution her to just leave me alone and let me come to her in my own time.

Unfortunately, she didn't listen. So about the time i started feeling like maybe i could talk to her about why i was so upset with her, she decided to cry on the WBC's shoulder about "how badly we've been treating her". Poor mominlaw probably thought that the WBC, being a sister Christian and all, would keep their communications confidential. Unfortunately for her, the WBC likes to gloat, and did so to Jim's oldest son. Jim's oldest son happens to be very close to us, and let us know what was going on.

How could she?! Of all the people in her life to complain to, why did she have to choose that one? How dare she betray the intimate details of our lives to that awful woman?! So i was betrayed again. And, to make matters worse, apparently it wasn't the first time she'd done that. As it turns out, every time she became annoyed with Jim or me, she'd gripe about us to her.

So i didn't talk to her again for a while. Now, so you understand, i don't do this to hurt or torment people; it's the exact opposite. I know my temper well, and i know i'm likely to say things i can't take back. I do it to preserve my relationships. So i finally ended up writing a letter explaining to her that i felt twice betrayed by her. I was careful, and i edited a great many times, just to keep the anger out of my tone and get my feelings across. I wanted very badly for her to understand what i was going through. She got my letter, and wrote me back, and had the gall to deny everything.

At that point, Jim talked to her and got her to see that lying wasn't going to help her keep a relationship with me. She admitted what she'd done and apologized, and i've been doing my best ever since to accept that apology. I try to tell myself that in the greater grand scheme of things, it's more important to have a good and loving relationship with the first significant other's mother who'd ever shown me any kindness. As much as i try not to think about what happened, i just can't help it. It's like a nice, big scab on my knee that itches and just begs to be picked at. I want to forgive her. I really do. I don't know what i need to do make it happen. The worst thing is, i know she'll do it again, and i just can't accept that.

So now there's a raw place where there used to be a good relationship with mominlaw. I love her so much, but things will never be the same if i don't figure out how to stop picking.