Fucking Insomnia

It's ridiculous how when i can sleep i don't even think about it, i just do it. It's also ridiculous how when i can't, it's all i can think about. As i lay awake pretending that if i don't open my eyes i'll just drift right off, i can't help but steal glances at the clock. That's the worst thing. "Only 6 more hours to sleep". "Only 5 more hours". "Fuck, i've only got 4 hours left. I'm going to be so tired tomorrow". And so on until it's pretty much time to get up.

Or, if i can manage not to look at the clock, i can't stop thinking of things. Sometimes important or stressful things, but not necessarily. Roz is gonna be pissed if i don't write that audit response soon. I really need to get the sink fixed so i can run the dishwasher without flooding the undersink. Hmm..what should i eat for lunch today? I think i want a sweater for Christmas this year. The next book in the series doesn't come out till next November, what'm i gonna read till then? And so on.

And then the next day i walk through in a daze. In the beginning it isn't so bad, my attention just wanders a bit. As it progresses, and i get less and less sleep, people start asking me if i'm mad at them, because i forget things like saying hello, or i stop listening to someone mid sentence in an obvious way.

Toward the end, right before i crash, i feel like everything that's happening to me is happening to someone else and i'm just watching. People are pissed at me because i'm too tired/lazy to do my share of our work and my own work. I struggle to stay awake when it isn't appropriate for me to sleep. I snap at people whether they deserve it or not. I stop liking the kids. I pretty much stop liking everyone, and i feel like the feeling is mutual.

So i started this new drug Rozerem. It's not quite as good as i'd hoped it'd be because though it helps me fall asleep really fast and doesn't make me feel hung over the next morning, it doesn't keep me asleep. So i still wake up a lot at night. On the whole, i have to say it's better than the alternative. Anyway, if you're currently in my life, and i've been a douche clown toward you lately, i'm sorry. I'm trying to get better.